With Grace...

A profoundly moving, emotional experience: A photographer's memories

Two weeks ago, Jack Iddon sat down to talk about his time with Grace and Stanley Frasier, an experience that deeply touched him, emotionally and spiritually.
During the interview, he spoke softly. At times, his voice cracked or dropped to a whisper. Once or twice, the interview had to be stopped when emotion overwhelmed him.
The following are Jack's observations, in his own words:

As told to Robert Lovinger, Standard-Times staff writer

ON GRACE'S ILLNESS
When Grace had her down days, I would show up and she'd say, "Jack, I'm really not up to this today." And I would leave.
I guess when you're told you're going to die, you don't really accept it. You're feeling good. Then, all of a sudden, you have a really bad day.
Those were the most difficult times for her, realizing: Hey, this is going to happen. Then she would be fine again. It was a roller-coaster. That had to be terrible.
I always hoped it would turn around, but then Grace got to the stage where she was suffering incredibly. And, of course, there was the suffering of Stanley.

ON WHY HE TOOK THE ASSIGNMENT
Photojournalism. I like to tell stories with photographs. In the 11 years I've worked (at The Standard-Times), I've told a lot of stories, but never anything like this.

ON HOSPICE
I quickly learned that Anita (hospice nurse Anita Long) did more than physically check Grace out. Grace really confided in her.
I can't say enough about the hospice people. I told Brenda (Van Laarhoven) and Anita that I'll never understand how they can come into a family's life which is going to be shortened by disease, and become emotionally attached. And to do this on a daily basis? How do you leave that at the office?

ON THE HARD PARTS
I started to realize something I should have thought of before I got into this: Grace would never see the results of this. Occasionally she would ask me, "When will I see pictures?" That was hard. I'll never get that out of my mind.
So, I started trying to take happier pictures -- portraits of her and Stanley together, anniversaries, things like that. I printed them on my ink-jet printer, and Stanley started a photo scrapbook, titling it "Amazing Grace." That worked out very well for Grace, I hope.
I knew this was going to be difficult, but I didn't know how difficult. No matter how many times I told myself this nice lady was going to die, it didn't hit home until it happened. And then, wow.

ON THE BEST PARTS
When I gave a photo to Stanley, he would run into the bedroom and say, "Grace, look!" And she would look at it and smile. She would thank me, and that was great. That really helped me.

ON THE DISCOMFORT OF HIS ROLE
I had brief feelings of wishing I had not done it.
Especially toward the end -- the last day and even after the fact -- it was very difficult to take photographs of Grace in that state.
As photographers, we all try to get that different angle. In this case, I found myself in the room thinking, "Jeepers, I'm recording a death here. Is it possible to do this in a decent way?"
The fact that my pictures were in focus is amazing.
The thing I keep telling myself now is: This is what Grace was looking forward to. I know that sounds strange, but she will see this. I believe that.
I don't know if I could do what Stanley and Grace did. The thought that they agreed to do it and went through with it is just amazing. I'm so happy they did.

ON THE FRASIERS' KNOWING THE PHOTOS WOULDN'T BE PUBLISHED UNTIL GRACE DIED
Stanley had a handle on it right from the beginning.
But when Grace was feeling low, it had to be awful for her to have somebody standing there with a camera. So, when she would say, "Jack, I'd rather not do this today," I wondered if she knew what was going on. Don't forget, she was under pretty heavy medication.
But she eventually understood. That's when she first started telling me she hoped the article would make people remember her. She was very proud of all the nice work that she did, with her hobbies.

ON HEARING GRACE HAD DIED
She died on a Friday afternoon. I had met with (hospice nurse) Anita that morning. She had checked on Grace, who'd been in poor condition for several weeks -- a lot of pain and a hard time breathing. Anita said she didn't think Grace would make it through the weekend.
Early that afternoon, I got a call from Brenda (Van Laarhoven) at hospice. She had just beeped Anita because Grace had passed away. I got up there as soon as I could.

ON WHAT HE LEARNED
How precious life is. We see death so often in the newspaper and on TV, we kind of get used to it. But then when you're there and you're actually seeing it, and you realize that someone is leaving us, it's just very difficult.
I go to church nearly every week. I don't consider myself an A-1 Catholic, by any stretch of the imagination. But this has made me stronger in my faith in God. It has reinforced everything, religiously, that I've been doing since my days in Catholic school.

ON DOING SOMETHING LIKE THIS AGAIN
I don't know what else would compare with this.
Once you get through it, you realize it was a totally positive thing. This was a perfectly natural happening. The hardest part was sort of feeling guilty that I was standing there taking photographs. But it was with their blessing.
I hope I will look back and be proud. Even more, I hope Stanley and Grace will be proud. I'll always attempt to do something like this. It was a great learning experience.

ON WHAT PEOPLE SHOULD TAKE AWAY FROM THIS
How precious life is.
I hope they feel for what they see; for what Grace and Stanley went through -- and for what, I'm sure, Stanley is still going through.
And I hope they understand that these stories have to be told also, with the family's blessing. I just hope I've done that.

An interview with Grace and Stanley in the spring of 1996.

Hospice nurse Anita Long speaks of her experience.

and

The photographic journey.....

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